Chukwuneta Oby(tingles@punchng.com)
The years 2020 seemed to arrive with a particular ‘firebrand-resolution’ from people. There’s even a particular ‘code’ that is being touted as the ‘way to go’ of the year.
I came across it on the WhatsApp updates of NOT a few friends, at the beginning of the year. Although written in pidgin, it reads: “Remember the code for 2020.Dey for who dey for you. No involve yourself if dem no involve you. Love who love you. If dem no tell you, no ask dem.”
If loosely translated, it means ‘stick out your neck only for those who do the same for you. Handle others with the same glove they handle you. If others don’t bring you in on their issues, bother not.’’
I must admit that I also came into the year with a DELIBERATE silence towards some friends. It just gets tiring when the burden of a friendship seems to rest squarely on your shoulders. If you don’t reach out, they don’t bother.
However, a lot of realities are constantly giving me a rethink about life. I remember being upset about a particular friend’s silence when I was bereaved.
Only to realise that he was not only grappling with his child’s health challenges (Leukemia!), his mum was also at death’s door.
All these I found out because I grudgingly got over myself to reach out to him. A fellow recently told the story of how he got to know about the demise of a ‘friend’ he was ignoring. He had peeped at his friend’s wall on the social media, only to behold the avalanche of condolences there. And it dawned on him that someone he was begrudging for ‘not keeping in touch’ has been dead for months!
I admit that it gets TIRING being the one who constantly reaches out, so much so that it begins to look like one doesn’t know how to mind their business.
It’s just that the problem I have with some of the ‘sayings’ (like the ‘code’ above) is that a lot of them fertilise pettiness in people. It’s important to realise that some people don’t know how to look up from their struggles.
So, expecting them to ‘do right’ at such moments is asking them to be superhuman! Besides, some STRUGGLES don’t even give (anyone) the chance to think straight unless one is exceptionally spirited.
A friend put it thus, ‘’I have generally realised that most of the things we ‘beef’ about with people are actually vain and petty in the real sense of it and while I am not disputing the fact that sometimes our disapproving feelings about people in certain instances might be valid (no doubt), but it helps to go a step further to consider that people’s reaction to us might also be caused by circumstances beyond their control.’’
Please, if the thought of anybody crosses your mind, reach out immediately! The human mind is deeply spiritual. It is possible that thought (of them) didn’t come out of nowhere.
But if you decide to stay in your lane, at least do so in good faith. Take nothing personally. And realise only that when people NEED space, it is not about you.
Some of the approaches that I have found very HELPFUL in life are;
- Reaching out to whoever speaks to your soul when you are down.
- Making DELIBERATE efforts to reciprocate the (caring) gestures of others lifts the spirit.
Please note that I said ‘deliberate’, because communicating can be a struggle sometimes! I still struggle with reciprocating the gesture of everyone who makes efforts towards me.
We just need to realise that friends who make these efforts towards us probably have more challenges than we do. And take that NOT for granted!
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