Last week we started looking at the different ways in which a parent can be absent in the life of a child. We talked about the following types of absences;
• Physically Absent – Death
• Physically Absent – Jail/Incarceration
• Physically Absent – Divorce or Separation
• Physically Absent – Work related
• Emotionally Absent – Work related
• Emotionally Absent – Unresolved Childhood trauma
This week we are looking at;
• Emotionally Absent – Step Parent
• Emotionally Absent – Chronic Illness
• Emotionally Absent – Chronic Fear/worry/Anxiety
• Emotionally Absent – Too ‘old’, Too ‘stale’.
• Emotionally Absent – Drive for Educational Excellence
• Emotionally absent – Unable to hold awkward/difficult conversations with child,
Parents are not always there for their children. No matter what the cause of absence is, a child whose parent is absent suffers a number of negative effects like; a lowered self-esteem. Sometimes, absence can cause, depression, bedwetting and fears that some children may carry into adulthood. Absence can also cause anger, insecurity, fear of rejection, impulsive behaviours, self-destructive tendencies. In extreme cases some children are being physically and sexually abused by relatives and care-givers because parents are not present enough emotionally or physically, to notice.
Emotionally Absent – Step Parenting; Step parents sometimes do not see the need to act like real parents or do not know how. This can be a complex dynamic in the home and it is strongly recommended that the new parent seeks professional counseling or coaching (not from friends!) to help them make a success of the role. A step child can seem to reject help or love, appear rebellious, more out of confusion and pain than a desire to just be wicked. The perception the step parent chooses to have of the child will determine if communication is successful. It will impact the child’s behavior either for good or for worse in adulthood.
Emotionally Absent – Chronic Illness; Sometimes a parent can be absent due to chronic illness and in some cases the child becomes the primary caregiver. Even in homes where the child is not the caregiver, the illness can take a huge toll on communication within the family such that the child’s emotional needs are not met.
Emotionally Absent – Chronic Fear/Worry/Anxiety; As a Parent, worry, anxiety and fear can erode your ability to communicate. The fears and anxiety pervade the home and gradually become a learned response for the children. So instead of them growing up strong and healthy they begin to respond to life issues in limiting ways, doubting themselves and always expecting things to be difficult for them. How do you know that you are a chronic worrier? Well, think about it – what is your first response when they ask you for something? Are you always stressed out and worn out? Are you quick to fly into panic at the slightest sign of trouble? When giving them advice is it usually about the things that can go wrong? Answers to these tell you your point of focus and what is really on your mind. Most children will prefer not to speak up in this kind of environment and even if they try, your view may be so distorted that you are unlikely to be able to listen properly and hear them.
Emotionally Absent – Too ‘old’, of a different generation. This kind of parenting is steeped in tradition and dogma. There is a huge gap between the child and the parent and gradually the child looks to people and friends outside the family unity for understanding. Such a child will not discuss openly with his/her parent(s) simply assuming that they will not understand. It is unlikely that their emotional needs will be met in the house
Emotionally absent – Unable to hold awkward/difficult conversations with child, sometimes preferring not to talk about it or opting to be in denial; ‘it never happened’ just because the parent is either unable to handle the discussion, does not know what to do or does not have the courage to do what needs to be done. This could include taking a child out of a particular school, confronting another adult, insisting a father or uncle stay away from the child and seeking professional help. In the course of counseling and coaching I have come across cases where the greatest hurdle to recovery is getting over the fact that parents at the time did not speak up for an abused child or disbelieved the child when they reported the abuse. I have encountered this for a young lady who, as a child was raped repeatedly by an uncle and a young man also raped repeatedly in an all male school.
Emotionally Absent – Drive for Educational Excellence: Some parents ‘desire the best’ for their children and so they push them and insist it is only a certain level of success, a certain type of school, a certain type of job that would make them acceptable. Most communication in the home is anchored around this and the child dares not show any form of weakness or doubt or even try to have a mind of his/her own. Sometimes such parents have a say in who the child (now adult) should marry. Then they go on to be fully involved in the marriage like it is their own, not letting the new couple make their own decisions and learn their own lessons or worse still, influencing the decisions of one party so much that all the other spouse gets to hear is the voice of the ‘third spouse’. This is a very destructive kind of absence. The child is never seen for who he/she is and remains under a shadow throughout their lives. In therapy, such adults usually present like children trapped in the body of an adult, acting like and taking decisions (or unable to take decisions) like children.
Most of us are battling the ill effects of faulty foundations in one way or the other.
Our workplaces are littered with supervisors, managers who have communication issues because of the model they were brought up with, this points to the fact that capacity building in organizations may require more robust initiatives. I also believe that the issues with our leaders today can be traced back to childhood and upbringing. Change in a society like ours must take a hard look at the family unit because this unit is the bedrock of the society. With some measure of awareness we can do things differently with our own children and equip them to be truly successful, in a better society. It is a legacy that we can all contribute to.
Can you think of other ways that parents can be absent? Do you think you have been a victim of some kind of absence? What have you done about it? Is it likely that your children are currently victims of your own physical or emotional absence?
Your contributions are welcome.
In part 3 of this article, we will look at ways to be present for our children; little things that you can start doing immediately and bigger things that you can consider and plan to put into action over time, as the opportunity presents itself.
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