Looking at the title, it is possible to assume that absence of a parent simply means being away. Wrong. There are several ways in which a parent can be absent and all of them have consequences, some more severe than others. The effects of the absence of parent(s) can lead to family patterns or themes running through generations. These absences also help us understand some of the ‘adults’ we see today who find it difficult to parent, work in a team or provide leadership and supervision in the workplace. There is so much that we can trace back to the foundation of childhood experiences. This underscores the importance of good parenting for everyone of us. All of us have the responsibility to be different and to raise a better generation of people. Our children can always be an improvement on us or like I tell my son; an ‘upgrade on the old software’!
Parents can be completely absent either due to Death, Divorce, Separation or Work. In some homes, children suffer the absence of the major breadwinner who could be the mother. Increasingly, Nannies and teachers are becoming the ‘parents’ in today’s world. Sometimes they know more about your child than you do and sometimes, unfortunately, some of them (not all) take advantage of the children they are supposed to care for. However, parents can also be physically present but emotionally absent or distant and that is really what I want to talk about. Emotionally stunted adults abound who were abused as children and who now do the same in one form or the other.
There are different types of absence;
• Physically Absent – Death
• Physically Absent – Jail/Incarceration
• Physically Absent – Divorce or Separation
• Physically Absent – Work related
• Emotionally Absent – Work related
• Emotionally Absent – Unresolved Childhood Trauma
• Emotionally Absent – Step Parent
• Emotionally Absent – Chronic Illness
• Emotionally Absent – Chronic Fear/Worry/Anxiety
• Emotionally Absent – Just clueless
• Emotionally Absent – Too ‘old’, Too ‘stale’.
• Emotionally Absent – ‘Drive for Educational Excellence’
• Emotionally absent – Unable to hold awkward/difficult conversations with child
This week we will look at a few.
Physically Absent – Death; In this case the parent(s) are truly gone and the child can never see them again. That can be difficult for a child to deal with and sometimes children wonder if they were somehow responsible for the death of their parent. If they do not resolve this or do not have people around who can affirm them, it is possible for them to grow up clingy – always needing affection or withdrawn and distrustful.
Physically Absent – Jail/Incarcerated; A child whose parent is in jail may not get to see the parent and as such does not have access to the contributions that parent could have made in their lives. If that child grows up understanding the stigma of having a parent in jail then, the child also does time – serving time for a crime he/she did not commit. In recent times we have had several stories of one spouse killing another. We have to wonder what becomes of the children in these cases. In the most recent story of Mr. Shonde who allegedly killed his banker wife and left the children – Temioluwa and Tiaraoluwa in the house with the corpse of their mother – one can only wonder what the children have gone through and are still going through. If found guilty their father will do time, but the children have started their own sentence already, because their lives will never be the same again. We can only pray that they will have access to professional counseling and therapy to help minimize the damage on them.
Physically Absent – Divorce or Separation; When parents are divorced or separated there is an absence that is imposed on the children. Children in this dynamic may find themselves torn between two parents and often forced to take sides or to listen to terrible things about the other parent. This can be very confusing for the children and it immediately begins to erode what could have been a good foundation. In some cases there is no lasting emotional damage however, in most cases there is.
Physically Absent – Work related; Parents can be in-accessible because they live and work in another state or country. In this case the parent may not know much about the child, missing much of the child’s growing- up years.
Emotionally Absent – Work related; Parents in this category are those who are around but never around. They are always at work. While that parent may be extravagant with gifts and money, the child may still find it difficult to understand why his father or mother does not have time for him/her. School work could suffer, child may develop behavioral problems and in some cases have addictive tendencies, sometimes acting out just to get attention or hanging around people who can provide this attention in whatever form. For a female child this can be categorized by promiscuity and other self destructive behavior
Emotionally Absent – Unresolved Childhood trauma; Parents can be emotionally absent due to unresolved personal trauma. For example a parent who has been abused as a child may not know how to demonstrate affection, immediately teaching the child to be unable to demonstrate affection. This can also happen with parents who were brought up by very strict parents themselves. Same also goes for parents who really had it rough growing up, those who had to fend for themselves. Most of them tend to find it difficult to demonstrate love. In some cases they can swing to the other extreme and be over-protective, overly demonstrative in a bid to re-live their lives in their children, vowing that their children will not go through what they went to. They get so busy over compensating that they do not really appreciate what the child wants or needs. This is an absence. It is also a response the child will learn in some form.
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