The message that I received recently reads “I woke up crying this morning. I try to be a dad and mum to my children and it weighs me down but I still pick myself up to do all I can. I have not bought a pin for myself since I lost my husband, because I buy food, pay school fees, run the business that sustains us, pay rent and utility bills. I don’t miss their birthdays. I don’t hang out with friends so I can have time for my children. I always have a nose bleed from stress and I get this from my son? I couldn’t even go to work today because I’m broken and sick.”
The message is from a young widow, who lost her husband two years ago. It seems the eldest child (a boy) was jeopardising his academics.
My advice to that widow or widower out there is this. If raising a son alone, enlist the help of your dad, brothers or a trusted male friend or relative to play a certain fatherly role (advice, mentoring, etc.) in his life.
And if it’s a daughter (that you the man is raising) still ensure that a mature woman steps in with moral support, occasionally. The woman could be a relative or a good friend.
You can even find her mentors from your religious, social or professional backgrounds. The most important thing is to fill a certain void that the absence of the other parent is bound to create in the life of a child.
Realise that challenges of life never end. At least not until we breathe our last. Therefore, don’t make a habit of denying your needs. If you deny yourself so much, you can easily develop resentment towards your kids and life.
You can’t do a good job of being a “Mama and Papa” without TIME for YOU. Occasionally, steal moments (whatever your definition of it, is) for yourself. Your emotions will thank you for it.
I have a senior friend that is in her sixties, who is a widow. At that age, some women spend their free-time socialising. But she has no friends. And it affects her. She told me that she lost touch with friends when she lost her husband and made herself unavailable for socialisation as she focused on raising her children. Today, all of those friends have moved on.
This is what happens when our lives revolve around our challenges. Sometimes look up to get yourself distracted a bit! Consider remarrying, if your emotions are too fragile to “tough it out’’ alone.
Let nobody guilt-trip you into dying in silence. Giving your children a father or mother figure may be the best thing you can do for them.
Everyone needs someone who makes efforts towards their happiness. Nurture committed relationships. Sex is more fulfilling with someone who is mindful of your emotional needs. When it’s all about sex and no connection, it gets lonely. To the rest of us, there’s always a way you can support someone in a challenging phase!
Some years back in Lagos, there’s a family whose kids attended the same school as my son. We also lived on the same street. Being a student myself often meant picking my son late from school. One day, the children’s father offered to be picking up the boy alongside his brood. Only God knows how much burden that man took off my weary shoulders through that gesture!
Not forgetting the times I came back from school to meet my landlady helping the boy with his homework. How supportive are you to those around you, who are not in a good place?
Such support may even be as simple as NOT taking advantage of their vulnerability!
END
Be the first to comment