By now you must have heard of how a mysterious snake swallowed N36 million in the Joint Admission and Matriculation Board (JAMB) office. The story is that it was a mysterious serpent; and it surely was a mysterious snake. A snake that eats currency instead of flesh is a mystery. Now that JAMB has discovered that there is a particular kind of snake that eats currency they should remark examination scripts relating to snakes and classify them as “carnimoney” (flesh and money eating) animals.
One still needs to understand some peripheral issues from the law about this matter. Since it is normal to kill a snake and eat it along with everything inside it – so far there is no law against it – one wonders whether killing this snake and taking the money would amount to a crime. “But first you would have to see this monster and kill it,” Jumbo my veteran soldier friend says. “And I am interested in finding this snake. I could use that money to eat some peanuts.”
What we have not yet been told is what kind of snake it was. I would want Jumbo to go on a hunt for this snake. Who knows Jumbo can still nail the snake. But, perhaps, JAMB is not minded to identify the “aaap”.
Jumbo has not been in action since he retired decades ago. He has been banned by the village from ever firing a gun – in the public interest. He was banned the day he wanted to prove to the village what a great marksman he was. He did not remember that between when he saw action and now, his hands had developed this tendency of shaking. Anyhow Jumbo grabbed a gun and told the villagers to watch. Being a rather dull village that was something… people watched and news went out fast that the local war hero was about to give a hint of how good he was in battle.
Every person in the village watched as he took an aim at the kite overhead. The kite looked down warily and kept fly. Then Jumbo pulled the trigger. Whangggg!!! The gun roared. The bird looked down at the villagers idly and kept soaring. Meanwhile the old palm wine tapper who was plying his trade on top of nearby tree had his hat blown off – he missed being hit by inches. He scrambled down screaming that he was not a bird and someone should please stop Jumbo from letting out another shot. He had fever for days and was hospitalised for raised blood pressure after the incident. But that was not all.
Meanwhile Jumbo was mad at the smug attitude of the kite, he let go another shot. That almost blew off the roof of the first storey building in the village and the family who were leisurely enjoying their lunch scrambled down screaming “Robbers! Robber! Robbers!” and ran into the bush. The youths had to go and talk them into returning to their lunch. Asked who shot at them, the youth informed them that no one shot at them; it was an accidental aiming. Jumbo was trying to kill an arrogant bird, but, fortunately, the bird was now out of sight.
The village elders kindly informed Jumbo that he had nothing to prove anymore, because he missed the bird by whiskers. Anyhow he should buy another hat for the palm wine tapper, while the village would pick up his hospital bills. Jumbo should also do something about the roof of the storey building. All well that ended well. Jumbo said it was the devil that swung the gun around and did his tricks again. No one argued with him – you do not argue with a man bearing cocked smoking gun.
But going after the snake will be a different game altogether. The bird was a more difficult target because it was smaller and in motion. Old Jumbo had to follow its fly path and that was a problem for an old man with shaking hands. A snake, which would swallow N36million, should be mighty big enough for an easy kill. Jumbo would relish killing such a snake.
Ever since a snake snuggled up to Eve and convinced her to eat the forbidden fruit, mankind has not forgiven the snake. Unfortunately, Eve was not from the west. If she were from the West the damned snake would have ended up as a dinner for Adam. So, instead of whacking the “serpent” on the head, Eve went into a conversation with him.
Now along comes a money-eating snake. Truly the love of money is the root of all evils. This snake loves money and it is evil. Ever since this administration surfaced, it has had “snakes” in high places and this would not be the first time a snake ate money. It was a snake who swallowed the N80 million used for the reception of Prof. Wole Soyinka by the Rotimi Amaech regime. The reason that story was not told is because the Federal Government anti-graft agencies did not investigate it. The $1 billion budgeted for the fight against insecurity in the country had already been swallowed by snakes or is about to be swallowed by snakes. So there you are, snakes are on rampage swallowing up money and we are just watching them.
Well in case you missed the joke, Satan is a serpent. He is the one who is behind the corruption in this country. Whenever money is lost, blame it on Satan – or to be more precise blame it on the serpent. It is the serpent that has been swallowing all our money. Like Nicholas Cage, the American actor, director and producer said, “every great story seems to begin with a snake.”
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