What is it about the institution of marriage that gives it the potential to carry so much joy and the possibility of such intense pain? Why do many choose to stay in volatile marriages that can lead to not just their demise, and sometimes that of their children also?
The institution of marriage came into being as far back as the beginning of creation. In Nigeria and globally, there are different ethnicities with different cultural perspectives on marriage. These do not merely constitute the type of marriages in existence as the varying religious factions also shape the beliefs and longevity of marriages.
Predominantly in Nigeria and many African countries, culturally and spiritually, the pressure of the success of a marriage is largely placed on a woman while ignoring the faults of her partner. A failed home or divorce leads to stigmatisation of the woman. This is emotionally and mentally crippling. This is a major contributor to the high level of domestic violence and abuse in marriage that Nigerian women endure.
Some may argue that times are changing and women no longer choose to subject themselves to verbal, financial, economic, sexual and physical abuse, based on the large and growing population of single mothers and female divorcees. This current trend is attributed to the fact that more girls are getting educated and are becoming more financially independent, which gives them the luxury of making the choice to leave abusive marriages. Now they do have a voice as some states in Nigeria, with Lagos leading the way on halfway houses or shelters where women can stay while fleeing such situations (provided by both the government, religious and some non-governmental organisations).
Thankfully the emergence of Family Courts that legally prosecute cases of domestic violence and determine children’s custody in embattled and embittered cases of abuse is a welcome relief.
As grateful as we are for the positive emergence of these tools, the government and concerned citizens have contributed to quelling the abuse and battery of women, there is so much more owed to the female gender in Nigeria. We desire to be loved and not owned, there should be more awareness campaign programmes re-educating both men and women. The men not pummeling their spouses and the women realising that they do have an option, which is not to endure such battery till the very breath is snuffed out of them.
The government has a role to play, undeniably so but we dare not look away and ignore the major culprit—the home front. The education and the renewal of the minds of both genders must begin in the homes. The boys should be taught that their fists are never the way to show authority or vent emotions. Homes should be where husbands treat wives with kindness, while mothers make no disparity between boys and girls. Do we exclude the educational system? From primary school, the gender bias should be eliminated and everyone is firstly a student and all are taught to be emotionally healthy and disparaging sexist sentences are not carelessly thrown around. Schools should not be allowed to build subliminal messages in the heart of the youngsters further entrenching the supremacy of one gender over the other. The truth is the men who batter their wives, were once little boys who somehow along the way were programmed that way by society, culture and sadly sometimes religion. The women who choose to stay despite the degradation and physical violence they choose to endure while pretending all is well in public and on social media platforms were broken mentally before the very first blow, they encountered in the marriage. The brokenness, the lack of self-esteem, and the inability to be financially independent all existed because culture, society, religion, education and the home had inadvertently failed them as girls.
The high rates of death caused by domestic abuse is a heaviness we need not bear anymore as a nation.
There is indeed a slow and changing emergence of help rendered to rescue women from the claws of the brutality of abuse but these are barely scratching the surface of this low growling monster. Women are a gift and a blessing, Yes, a weaker vessel, the fairer Sex as often referred to, but the world indeed needs the contributions, the healthiness (mentally and emotionally) and the survival of this gender, from which emerge our mothers, sisters and daughters.
The truth is, until as a nation and on a global scale, until all facets of society and every individual work together to eradicate domestic violence and any form of gender abuse (though predominantly committed against women) seeing it as a problem that boomerangs to harm the fiber of the very structure that society’s development and growth is hinged on, this problem is here to stay and outlive many generations while silently crippling the wholesomeness of the human existence.
Moyo Adeleye is a Lagos based marriage counsellor and can be reached via Moyswop@gmail.com, 08185199224
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