Nigeria, where everybody is God-fearing. You steal enough, you are beyond reproach. Because you will constitute governments. And have public officials validating not only your innocence but even your righteousness. Aren’t the gods what they are because they make things happen? So you deserve worship. But just in case you get on the wrong side of things and they come for you, you can mess up the investigation. You know, introduce shabbiness into the habitually sloppy process with the injection of cash.
The prosecutors will then re- enact a ritual. Make so much noise, dramatize your arrest, deny you bail for a short while. Bones have to be thrown to the baying public. But they will score own goals and leave the courts with no options but to proclaim your innocence, your impeccable integrity. O, the blessedness of the rule of law. But in the event they opt for vindictiveness , and take matters a bit personal, then you can talk to the judges. A well inspired bench can always find a helpful technicality.
The standards of investigation and prosecution are naturally atrocious. So a settled judicial hand won’t need a fine toothed comb. With good lubrication , inevitable flaws have no hiding place. And in any case, even if the case is deemed watertight, judges can , with methodical ruthlessness dismantle reason. Lecturers award A’s to poor papers of willing female students . There is a spreading insensitivity to immorality. In the good old days you could just mummify the case by buying a perpetual injunction. But take heart, money has many ways of creating reasonable doubts .
The very rich don’t go to prison. Imprisonment is not their portion. Just steal enough. So that you have your village with you. Then your community can kick against any attempt to tarnish the image of their illustrious son. Enough must be reserved to keep the traditional ruler motivated. They are greedy by nature. He has to keep in touch with his colleagues. They will have to issue communiques from time to time. They may have to see some Emirs and Obas at night to explore ways of inter ethnic co operation because what Nigeria needs the most is peace. Steal enough and keep the youths in the community happy with occasional handouts and poverty alleviation crumbs. A branch of NANS will carry placards and yell deliriously about witch-hunting. Everyone can be rented. You didn’t even kill anyone. Yours is essentially about the rule of law. They staged an ‘aluta’ to help a pastor whose church building fell in Lagos and killed many people. They can even disrupt public peace if they get something extra.
Treat the youths well. They are the leaders of tomorrow. They are the avengers of today. Make your philanthropy loud and obtrusive. Everything must have a touch of melodrama. That is commonsense. Set up a foundation, sponsor the education of many in the university. Send some of them to English and Ghanaian universities. Organize free medical services from time to time in your constituency. Let the ceremonies be large. Keep your charity gestures on the pages of all newspapers. They must not forget. Yes, that you changed lives. Stories will be told of your kindness. Any future tales about corruption by disgruntled elements will be short-lived. The thousands whose school fees you paid will tell their children good things about you. Free eye glasses, free rams, free bags of rice, free bags of salt, free mirrors. Keep giving. The more you sow, the more you reap. Pastors love sowers. The orthodox churches love church builders. Build a cathedral. Don’t forget to do a residence for the priest. And always keep in touch with the Bishop.
They will explain away your tribulation to the congregation as an attempt by the devil to stop the work of God. So steal enough and sow massively. For once the Bishops are happy with you, you can’t be a thief. You are sanctified. And those who touch God’s anointed risk His wrath. After all if you were truly of the devil you would not spend millions propagating God’s gospel. Some sponsor thousands of pilgrims and marabouts to the Holy land. Your faith will be counted for you as righteousness.
He who has never sinned should cast the first stone. Bloody hypocrites, they , who have left the logs in their eyes and taken vendetta to doorsteps of the man of the people. Steal well but stay local. Keep all your money here.
Don’t remit anything abroad. These FBI agents and their European cousins are busybodies. They shredded FIFA from a distance. You heard what Cameron was telling the Queen? He was tipsy. You don’t have to dig holes or stash them in sewage pits. Buy lands, swathes of them. Buy finished estates and leave them fallow. You can use any name, but keep in-laws away from secrets. Once things fall apart they become squealing enemies. You can buy MRI machines.
That air force chief was public spirited. That way you can contribute to the public healthcare delivery. Giving back to the society. But farms and agro processing industries are the vogue now. No one asks farmers how they got start up monies. Farming cleanses, launders. And that includes cattle husbandry. After a while, you can borrow massively from banks and muddle up everything. Hotels , yes hotels. Don’t forget, construction companies . Watch CCB closely now. Proxies are now indispensable.
Panama has messed things a bit but never mind. Local businessmen here are often useful but slippery, risky. Especially those in the huge turnover businesses. Many in the petroleum marketing sector are willing and able. You can keep billions with them under the radar. You can spread risk by using many trusted hands. That way you keep no personal accounts, no trails.
Keep a hold on the media. Be generous, they are generally not well paid. A pastor once thought 50,000 naira was what reporters deserved as daily transport allowance. Don’t you plan to get them writing just what you want? You can own a media house, so you can tell your own stories with ‘authority’. But don’t finish all the money on mainstream media. The online category is now very influential. Hire as many online mercenaries as possible . Noise is everything. It’s good to live an enviable life. Yours is a legacy of tolerance, freedom, kindness and love. It’s the Iroko on which many built their nests. Don’t think too much now about what would happen after you die. Your generations unborn have been worked for. You have helped the poor. Haven’t you? And helped the Church.
A man that came before his time.
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