It took me a while to make up my mind to write this article mainly because I am privy to a lot of ‘sensitive’ information. However, I had to borrow from the Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle who recently said, “the worst thing to say – is to say nothing”. It may look like plenty to read, but that is only because there is plenty to say. Please stay with me.
Rape is the most violent crime you can commit against a woman and from what I now know; a man too. It is a total violation of the person. To rape and then murder the person, to me, is the ultimate heinous crime. A rapist who intends to kill his victim is likely to be extremely cruel. So, those final moments cannot be imagined.
I found the following information quite interesting; Rape is defined as a type of sexual assault usually involving sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual penetration carried out against a person without that person’s consent. The act may be carried out by physical force, coercion, abuse of authority, or against a person who is incapable of giving valid consent, such as one who is unconscious, incapacitated, has an intellectual disability or is below the legal age of consent (*yes, please think child marriage). The term rape is sometimes used interchangeably with the term sexual assault or sexual violence. The term rape originates from the Latin rapere (supine stem raptum), “to snatch, to grab, to carry off”. Since the 14th century, the term has come to mean “to seize and take away by force”. In Roman law, the carrying off of a woman by force, with or without intercourse, constituted “raptus” Wikipedia RAPE.
I feel it is important to explain in detail the various ramifications of rape, why the body may heal after a rape incident, but for the soul, it is much more difficult to heal, and how the rape stories we hear about, actually traumatize each and every one of us. We wonder why victims speak out many years later, we say “Ah Ah they should have let it go by now”. I want to try to explain some things.
Let’s start with the deadly betrayal that is the crime:
• Rape by a stranger, thieves or kidnappers
• Rape by a husband or intimate partner
• By a father, brother, cousin, uncle
• By a Friend
• By a family driver or house-help
• By an authority figure like a doctor, teacher, pastor, imam, sports coach, politician, etc
We have more rape cases going on ‘underground’ committed by people close to the victim than the gruesome cases that we do end up hearing about. This group I have mentioned is a tsunami. Please note that both of the two groups are important and should be of concern to all of us.
Now, the list above is important because the levels of trauma and interpretations placed on the crime can differ based on the perpetrator(s) and what he/she/they represent to the victim. The various ways in which the PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) manifests itself is heavily informed by this interpretation because a core belief is ripped away violently. Core beliefs are very important. Our core beliefs informthe attitudes we develop, the assumptions we make about life and how it will function, the rules we set about life, people, and events. Our core beliefs act as our filter and help us navigate life.. ..e.g this person can be trusted, I am a good person, People are good, the world is safe, people care about each other, home is my safe place, my parents always keep me safe, etc.
When a core belief is violently ripped away, the victim is left with a void and is looking for answers to help fill that void: it is like learning to walk again, but this time, in the dark. This can last a lifetime if not resolved. Another aspect is who witnessed the crime and did nothing, again you can probably understand how this can rip the victim’s world and completely alter her core beliefs. Imagine that it is a friend or a parent. Even if they did not actually witness the crime but they knew or suspected and did nothing that is another violation, and it too, is violent in its own way. It can lend credence to the notion ‘maybe I deserved it’ and this becomes a new core belief.
Was the crime repeated/did the perpetrator do it again? did this assault continue happening? again, this can embed the feeling of betrayal, shame, hopelessness, and helplessness at the core, replacing whatever was there before. Next, where did it happen? Did it happen at home, school, friend’s house, or car? This is important because of the interpretation that can form as a result of the location. For example, when it happens at home, it is difficult for the victim to believe in marriage, happy families, and safe, happy homes – she will find it hard to trust the concept. I will leave you to imagine the core beliefs that can be formed based on the other locations mentioned.
Now, who did the victim confide in and what did they say or do with the information: Parents, Teachers, Friends, Siblings, Imam, Pastor, Society, Social Media, Law enforcement. For example, maybe a parent or teacher was told and did nothing, the victim’s concept of authority and safety is shattered; Imagine this true-life example; a school gets to hear that students are being abused at home through anonymous questions submitted at the end of a presentation organized by the PTA and the school does nothing with what they know. They would rather believe these things are not happening. Such victims are likely to go through life having problems with authority and trust. In the workplace, the victim may be considered a loose cannon who has no regard for constituted authority or at the other extreme; is always afraid. It is unlikely that this staff will be innovative because the core belief that she can trust herself and others has been stolen. This is not a detail that will be in the HR records, nonetheless, the effect is present in the workplace. The new belief for this victim could be ‘ try to keep safe/play safe, I am responsible for my own safety or to hell with everybody’ etc even though, she may not even know that is what she is doing.
Finally, we have the cultural and religious aspect; Let’s face it, we are brought up in a culture of blame: something or someone has to be responsible for the situation, ascribing blame helps us manage things we do not understand and religion fuels this. So the victim could think “I must be a bad person or this would not have happened to me, God is upset with me/is punishing me for something, I am paying for the crimes of my parents, I need deliverance etc. Worse still is that religious people instead of being supportive can go on to treat the victim like a leper and as if rape is contagious. Finding a path out of this ‘forest of Baobab trees’ requires the Christian counselor to have broken free from ‘herd mentality’ and be reading her own Bible ‘right side up’ if not, the sessions can do even more damage.
Where is the justice for the victim?
Now let us consider the identity of the rapist and the narrative woven about the crime. In Nigeria, some people have more right to rape than others. People in positions of authority, who are powerful can commit rape and get away with it. A religious leader or politician, for example, is very likely to get away with rape and we have seen high profile cases polarise our communities because we elevate the public image/figure higher then we do the crime. These are the sorts of betrayal we repeat at various levels and make it more difficult for the victim to get closure. Things have to change.
As a therapist working with a victim whose support network is very fragile, all you can do is work with the victim to find some kind of closure on their own, and this can be slow and hard because, being heard, getting an acknowledgment, is a big part of the healing process. When this is withheld, it can be tough. Yet, again and again, I watch parents and authorities dig in their heels and refuse to acknowledge that it happened or it is currently happening. Honestly, this is another major betrayal. There are a lot of rape cases that have happened and are still happening in Nigeria, much more than we would want to believe, both for women and for men. I can tell you for a fact that there are boarding schools in Nigeria where raping young boys is part of the ‘welcome to school’ ritual. Many of the boys do not tell anybody. I use Andrew’s case as an example (not his real name) he said the rape started at home by an uncle who was related to his mum. Uncle said if Andrew told anyone, he would kill him. Then the uncle would always buy him things and was more present than his parents. Andrew thought going to boarding school would be an escape but one night, he and 13 other boys were rounded up, taken to a field and gang-raped. He tried to tell his parents; he said it was happening to his friend and his parents told him to keep as far away from such a friend as possible, that he was “a bad boy”. He never spoke to them about it again. He tried telling a teacher, nothing was done, instead, he was told never to repeat the story to anyone. As a senior, he watched the tradition continue. This was several years ago. Hearing first-hand experiences from victims can be gruesome. But it gets worse when one hears the efforts the victim has made to be heard but with no success. In families too, sometimes, parents would rather not deal with something so huge, or they feel the relationship with the perpetrator is more important, or they are just so ashamed, it is easier to just blame the victim.
I am hoping that those of us who say all sorts of things, ask all sorts of weird questions about the victim on social media will have a rethink and stop being part of the crime. When there is doubt about any detail, we can still choose our words carefully because we are decent human beings with respect for humanity. For some of us, this is a good place to start enacting change even as we demand for other institutional changes.
So, How Does it Affect Us? Is it Just Another Story About Someone Else?
Most victims never tell their partners that somebody committed such a crime against them because a lot of men may not be emotionally capable of handling such information. The victim thinks her husband will see her as ‘damaged goods’. Yet I always advise that they should because until they do, there will always be one other person in bed with the couple – the rapist.
Let us also not make any mistake about the fact that this victim is likely to make her own children victims too, by unknowingly transferring her fears, beliefs, and inadequacies to her child/children. These children will end up in the workplace and in teams. Some could end up as your governors for example; ill-equipped for the work of governance because they were unable to model behaviors that they now need to add value to the community so 4 years, then 8 years in power, and nothing. For some of our leaders, whatever went wrong, started in the early years. I am not saying in every case it is because the mother was raped. What I am saying is that a woman’s trauma can have far-reaching consequences. A nation or workplace that refuses to acknowledge this is not serious about anything. Access to mental health care and psychological services should not be an optional requirement.
We also need to understand that the victim’s story becomes our own because it gets embedded in our psyche and weakens our ‘mental immunity’. It becomes one of the ‘little traumas’ that add up over time to make it difficult to fight a big personal trauma if we have one. The unbidden images that are likely to spill out will be the ones of such injustice that we are unable to feel we have the right to overcome our trauma. A new rape victim will get (along with the pain of the violation) the stigma that was embedded when she watched, heard, or read what happened in the cases of other victims before her. And so we make it harder for victims to recover, forgetting the critical role they play in society.
So in hearing, we as a society or community are traumatized and become victims too. In the course of my work I have come to the conclusion that our society can be very brutal and judgemental when it comes to rape and other violent crimes against women and this needs to stop. I hope that knowing more about rape and the victim helps in some way to stem this trend.
It is heartwarming to see that the younger generation is speaking up. I appreciate the strength of the victims and families who have spoken out. They have done us all a favor. Even if the victim is speaking up 100 years later, she has the right to that closure, we should listen and honor a woman because women are really the pillars of the society and as far as we know, the only way even the most powerful leader can get to planet earth.
Let us not bury our heads in the sand any longer. Each new case or news of rape affects all of us. We must have justice for Uwa and Barakat. It matters to all of us.
Modupe Wigwe is a CBT Counselor, NLP Master Practitioner & Trauma Coach.
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