DOLAPO AKITOYE examines whether it is appropriate for ladies to propose marriage to their male partners or not
Many believe that marriage is one of the most important decisions a person can make. It is a lifelong journey that lovers jointly embark on and must not be taken lightly.
However, before the start of any marriage, there are three important steps that have to be taken: the proposal, planning and wedding. These three steps signify the start of the journey of a lifetime with the proposal, being the foundation.
There cannot be a marriage without a proposal. Online sources note that even during earlier times, when arranged marriages were very prevalent, marriage proposals and contracts still took place between families who were far apart.
A psychologist, Prof. Peter Olapegba of the University of Ibadan, Oyo State, noted that one could not enter into a marriage if one party didn’t make a request from the other party. “It is actually the beginning or the foundation. People cannot just be walking on the road and grab each other and walk to the altar. There must be a proposal,” he said.
Traditionally, it has always been the role of the man to propose. It is believed that the practice of a man going on one knee to propose to a lady is a sign of humility and surrender to the woman he intends to spend the rest of his life with.
Online sources add that in Europe, women are allowed to propose to their partners on February 29. This concept is believed to have stemmed from an old Irish legend which meant to serve as a way of balancing the traditional gender roles.
Nonetheless, it is still generally acknowledged and accepted that it is a man that proposes to woman.
A man identified as Mr. Love Itseghosimhe, who has been married for over a decade, told SUNDAY PUNCH that it was only proper for a man to propose marriage to a lady. “The Bible says that ‘he who finds’ and not ‘she who finds’. So, a man has to look for or search for a woman to become his wife. Man was created first and then the woman. The man should be the one to propose to a woman,” he argued.
Observing, however, that traditional gender roles weren’t what they used to be, Itseghosimhe believed times were changing with people accommodating new trends.
SUNDAY PUNCH reports that in recent times, some females had taken the step to propose to their male lovers. Olapegba admitted that there was nothing wrong in a woman proposing marriage to her lover. “There is no written rule anywhere that says a woman cannot propose to a man,” he stated.
This position was supported by Mr. Samuel Arogundade, who does not see anything wrong in a woman proposing marriage to the person she desires to be with.
Also, Mr. I. K. Ugochuckwu aligned himself with Arogungade. Ugochukwu said, “People should be able to do what they want. Gender roles are becoming a thing of the past and I see no reason why women cannot take the initiative.”
Nevertheless, as progressive as society is fast becoming, there are also those who believe that the part of the world in which we live in is not ready to extend that role to women.
A woman identified as Miss Seun Adekoya, who is in her early twenties, noted that the part of the world we live in could not support women proposing marriage to men. She stated, “In Nigeria, society sees it as a man’s duty to propose.”
Also, Mr. Yomi Adesanya, who agreed with Adekoya’s position, stated that while it was a good idea for a woman to propose to a man, the country’s cultural orientation wouldn’t support it.
According to Olapegba, the country’s cultural influences and values dictate that it is the man who should make the move to propose marriage to a man. The don further noted that there were psychological and societal implications arising from a woman proposing marriage to a man. According to him, when a woman proposes, she might be viewed as being too forward or as a sign of desperation.
A woman in her early twenties, Miss Rizi Okoye, argued that a woman proposing marriage to man could force the man to be in a difficult position. “I feel like if a man is ready, he will propose and if he doesn’t propose, then more likely, he will feel that he is obliged to accept the proposal from the woman which is basically one of the worst things.”
Arogundade said a woman proposing to a man might make the man feel feeble and might be unable to handle such a situation well.
In the event that a man and woman marry after the woman’s proposal, there might arise some psychological problems in the marriage according to Olapegba.
The don argued that the respect from the man to the woman might be compromised. He stated, “The man may take a lot of things for granted in that marriage. He may take the woman for granted and not treat her as a partner in the marriage. The man may throw it back in the face of the woman and constantly remind her that she proposed to him and he never had any intention of marrying her. This would lead the woman feeling self-conscious that she initiated the proposal.’’
The university lecturer noted that in some places, a woman, who proposed marriage to a man, might be held in high regard for going for what she wanted. But Miss Seyi Coker found the idea of a woman proposing marriage to a man amusing. She told our correspondent that she viewed herself as too old-fashioned to do it.
Okoye added that it was something she wouldn’t want to do. “Personally, I would not do it. But if any lady wants to do it, it is the person’s personal decision,” she said.
Mr. Abiola Omotayo, who is in his mid-twenties, added a new dimension to the subject. He explained that if a woman he liked proposed to him, he would “re-propose to the lady the right way so that I can sleep at night.” However, there are those like Mr. Ope Odulana who would be willing to accept the proposal as long as they are compatible with the ‘proposing’ women.
As marriage proposals by women are becoming familiar idea in Nigeria, it may take the African society some time to adjust to it. Olapegba stated that any gender should be able to propose without any problems to their lovers.
He added, “Our reaction to it or the cultural reaction to it does not make it right because in the real sense of it, anybody should be able to propose marriage to his or her loved one.”
A marriage counsellor, Pastor Funsho Ige, described the idea of ladies proposing marriage to men as a new development negating the norm in African society.
He added, “But we are in a society that is very dynamic and a society that is evolving. If you ask me, I still feel that it should not be done because when you are talking about marital relationship, the man is the one that should really go after the woman but society is evolving also.
“However, I still feel that there is a place a woman gets to that she can always rely on the fact that the man went after her and she will feel that she cannot be rejected based on that. This is the woman’s strength in the home.’’
Ige noted that if a woman proposed marriage to the man, she would realise that the man could abuse her while she remained helpless to retaliate psychologically.
He stated, “This is because the stress of retaining and maintaining a relationship is the fact that you know that it is the man who came to you. This is what makes a woman feel like a woman. It takes two to make marriage work; even if it is the lady that proposed, there must have been a relationship. The lady cannot just walk to a man and propose. There must have been some form of relationship between the two of them and without that relationship, there will be no basis for proposal.
“Let’s start from there because being a genuine relationship, even if it is the man that proposed, things can go awry from time to time in relationships. What is the basis of the relationship in the first instance? In my opinion, love is not generally understood.
According to him, many people don’t understand what love is about.
“But what I know is that love grows. There is a basic chemistry between two people before proposition and acceptance, then it blossoms into love,’’ he stated.
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