Before I got married, if I said, “Even though my father and I sucked our fingers, my children will not suck their fingers,” friends and relatives would sneer: “Easier said than done. We will see what you will do when you have your children.”
If I saw Nigerian children who could not speak their indigenous languages even though they were growing up in Nigerian cities, and I said that my children would speak Igbo, no matter on which part of the world I raise them, friends and relatives would sneer. If I said that my sitting room would not reek of urine even though I used rug and cloth settees, family and friends would sneer.
Similarly, if I said my children would love to read novels and other books, my friends and relatives would sneer. Sometimes, I would see children who would curse and beat everybody around them; even their parents would not be able to control them or calm them down. While discussing with family and friends, if I said that my children would not use expletives and would not be uncontrollable, I would notice the same sneering from them.
Luckily, I married a woman who shares much of my life philosophy. So, it was not too difficult to execute all those dreams and ideas in our children.
Our first child sucked his finger from the cradle. I introduced gloves to him. He would pull the gloves off. I used a band to hold the gloves. He would suck the gloves, wet them and continue sucking his finger even though covered by cloth. Regularly, we would pull his finger out from his mouth and use fresh gloves. After some weeks, we began to get tired and lose hope. This seemed to be something in my gene handed down from father to son. I concluded. My father sucked his finger until his father broke some thorns in the finger and dared his mother to remove the thorn stubs inside his finger. They were later removed. But because the finger was sore and swollen, he didn’t suck again until it healed. But by the time the finger healed, he had stopped sucking the finger.
Like my father, I sucked my fingers until I was about three or four. I cannot say exactly at what age I stopped. But I walked around sucking my fingers. Maybe, my grandfather sucked his finger too.
However, as an adult, I never liked to see a child sucking the finger. I believe it makes children absent-minded. So, I decided that the best way to stop a child was to do it while the child was in the cradle. So, we set to work early.
Ironically, when we were telling ourselves that it was a lost case and that we should stop disturbing the baby, he stopped sucking his finger a few days afterwards. We rejoiced. So, when we had our second child and he started sucking his finger, we told him: “Your own na akamu case.” We did not relent until he stopped.
Similarly, we taught the first child Igbo by insisting that it would be the language of communication within our home, because English would be learnt in school. So, he learnt Igbo and English. When the second child began to talk, he told us that he would not speak Igbo. We told him that he had not seen anything yet. So, we intensified our effort. Today, he speaks Igbo more than his elder brother. He even adds Igbo proverbs to the mix.
On the issue of the sitting-room settees and rug not reeking of urine, we had a policy that the babies should never be in the sitting room or on the settees without wearing nappies. And if for any reason water or urine poured on the rug or settee, kerosene was used promptly to clean it and kill the smell. Expectedly, sometimes when we were not around, relatives or domestic staff could do otherwise, but the harm was not usually accumulated before being remedied.
When it comes to the issue of swear words, I don’t use them; my wife does not use them. So, you dare not use them. I grew up with my parents and adults using swear words around me. My playmates and I had swear-word contests. We even had swear-word songs, one of which was: chachancha, udo, ekpenta, mgbalaku! Expletives meant nothing to us. But as an adult, I found it in bad taste and a sign of ill-breeding for a child or an adult to reel out expletives at the touch of a button. I believe people can argue and disagree without talking like animals. It guides my mode of engagement with people. Once we start to discuss but you can’t do so without shouting or using swear words and creating a scene, I leave you and walk away. If it is on my social media wall, I warn you to stop. If you become uncontrollable, I throw you out. You can go to your wall and roll in the mud. It is a free world.
Talking about book reading, we ensured that even though our children had their TV, video game, in addition to the cable TV, it was not an absolute right. You would not put it on without one of us giving the permission. We bought dozens of storybooks, novels, science books, children encyclopaedias, etc, and filled their room. They read them voraciously and re-read them when there were no new books. When they had done their school reading and homework, completed their chores and had their meals, they could be allowed to watch cartoon or play video games and other games for some hours. But if you watch cartoon, family programmes, and other light programmes, when it is time for news, you will sit back and also watch the news, no matter how boring it is to you!
As parents, we might have learnt some things from books, films and documentaries, but the key source was from observing some actions of children and refusing to accept that most of them were from nature and therefore unchangeable. We simply felt that the best time to instil whatever you desire in your children is when they are very little. When they grow up, they will decide whether to act the way they have been raised or get influenced by friends and society. But your conscience will be at ease that you have played your role effectively in their lives. You simply leave the rest in the hands of God.
I observed early in life that many people reduced so many actions of children to “how God wanted it to be.” But I never bought into such fatalistic ideology. How could using expletives or having dirty habits be predestined? How could a child playing video games or watching cartoons all day be the way God created them or something that cannot be controlled by parents? Was there any video or cartoon inside the womb?
The sad part is that anytime one says these things, some people make it look as if one is boastful or trying to show that one is better than others or trying to play God. That is ridiculous. There are things in life one cannot help. For example, once a child is born, one cannot help the complexion or sex of the child, but one can control the weight of the child. One may not be able to control the IQ of a child, but one can control the type of words such a child utters to others and how that child treats other people.
These issues are not determined by God or nature. They are determined by nurture. We must not abdicate our responsibilities to our children with the lame excuse of fatalism. Society is a reflection of parenting.
— Twitter @BrandAzuka
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