New Year resolutions are typically abandoned before the cock crows twice. Even then, people religiously make them anyway. And why not? What is life if not a constant quest for goals and ideals? I suppose it is in that spirit that three groups of powerful Nigerians met respectively to come up with resolutions that will transform Nigeria into the country we desire.
The groups are the Supreme Association of Lawyers, Judges and Magistrates, otherwise known as SALJAM. The second is the Men of Honour in Government, and it is acronymed MOHING. And the third is the Godly Association of Bandits and Jihadists, otherwise known as GABAJ. If you have never heard of these organisations, that’s understandable. What is important is that you remember them as SALJAM, MOHING and GABAJ.
There are times I have myself wondered whether they are figments of my imagination. I just happen to be—at least think I am—privy to resolutions they are debating in contentious meetings. It is my conjecture that one of the meetings may have cost some participants their lives. If that’s the case, it is a most tragic irony as they died for making the case for preserving lives. More about that later.
First the pending resolution by SALJAM. The group convened with the objective of transforming the judicial system to better serve Nigeria and justice. The lead convenor began by reading excerpts from Jonathan Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels. In the excerpts, Gulliver indicts the legal profession as constituted by people trained and dedicated to the subversion of justice.
Though Swift’s satire was directed at early 18th century Britain, it sadly reflects the practice of law in Nigeria today, the convenor said. And the goal of the convention is to adopt a resolution to change that, he declared.
“Yea, yea, yea,” the delegates thundered in response. Thereafter, however, silence descended on the venue, as everyone sat stone-faced wondering what to suggest. After the drawn-out awkward period, someone eventually broke the silence.
“A good starting point is to abolish all Latin words in the judiciary and practice of law,” a man who identified himself as Barrister Abeg suggested. “What do we need phrases such as habeas corpus, ultra vires and Ceteris paribus for? All they do is make legal arguments inaccessible to even well-educated people, let alone the masses. That alone makes the legal profession seem devious. After all, obfuscation is a sign of insincerity.”
These words jarred the SALJAM forum and set it abuzz. “You are asking for the impossible,” said one lawyer, who identified himself as Barrister Isioku. “Latin phrases are at the heart of legal practice,” he continued. “They are inseparable.”
Another argued that Latin is the language of the learned and it distinguishes the legal profession from all others. And another noted that some Latin phrases such as ad hoc are now in common use. Banishing them all will terribly impoverish the language, he argued.
At this point, the conventioners began to speak out of turns and to debate with those sitting next to them. Soon the chatter began to resemble that of the marketplace. Meanwhile, MOHING’s meeting had already begun several city blocks away. So, I couldn’t wait for order to be restored here, let alone a resolution adopted. I had to hurry to snoop on MOHING too.
When I arrived there, the meeting had already descended into chaos and order was just being restored. Three or so MOHING stalwarts were being helped to a waiting ambulance. They were casualties of an exchange of blows, I was told.
Like SALJAM, MOHING had convened to adopt a resolution on how to sanitise Nigerian politics and make it serve the needs of the people. The lead convenor had read excerpts from a book on Nigerian politics authored by a US-based Caribbean scholar, Professor Richard Joseph. Titled, “Democracy and Prebendal Politics in Nigeria,’’ it is based on Joseph’s study of political practices during the Second Republic.
To understand how harshly it indicts Nigerian politics one needs only to understand the word prebendal. No, it has nothing to do with our erstwhile Bendel State. As used by Joseph, a prebend was a territory given by emperors and kings in medieval times as rewards to their political aides. It came with the authority to lease lands, collect taxes, etcetera to enrich themself and their kin. In the book then, Joseph likens Nigerian office holders to receivers of prebends.
It was this explanation that stirred the ire of several MOHING members and led to fistfights. Having then reasonably calmed ruffled egos, the convenor proceeded to reiterate the purpose of the convention: how to dislodge prebendal mentality from Nigerian political leadership. It appeared that spirited discussion was about to ensue, when again I had to hurry to the third convention, that of GABAJ.
Giving the bloody disposition of the participants, I had to be extra-careful in monitoring this convention. Actually, I did my eavesdropping from several yards away. That wasn’t too much of a problem, though, because they spoke loudly, which was odd for people that were supposed to be outlaws. Moreover, I relied on the good services of friendly herders who interpreted the languages I couldn’t understand.
The GABAJ convention dealt with the question of whether it is spiritually defensible to kill in the name of God or Allah. And to the extent that it is defensible in general, whether it is defensible in the particular cases of women and children.
The emerging consensus was that children should never be willfully killed. “So, we should let them grow into adulthood and then kill them?” a participant tartly remarked. That stirred the ire of the convenor, who gestured to an armed aide to take the man away. The aide returned soon after, but not the man.
On the issue of women, the thrust of opinion was that they too should be spared. There just wasn’t as strong a consensus on that. Still, a participant raised the question of whether women should be spared so as to raise boys who would be subsequently killed. The man was either unaware of or indifferent to the fate of the fellow who was led out of the arena for raising a similarly disquieting question. He too was led out never to return to the forum.
It appeared though that the two men had already sown seeds of dissension in the forum. Soon voices were rising even against the killing of men in the name of God. With each comment to that end, the convenor’s face turned sterner. But he seemed helpless. He could only dispatch many conventioners before he had no convention to preside over.
By then, the day was fast running out of daylight, and I out of energy. The groups were still debating their respective New Year’s resolutions when I had to file this report. Until they announce their resolutions, the choice is between pessimism and optimism. The latter is so much gentler to the spirits.
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