According to the wisdom of the ancients, “the truth is always bitter.” Especially when it exposes a lie and leaves the liar exposed. Diplomacy, like someone once said, is simply a business of lying-in-state and the United Nations plays the game a lot of times. But last week the United Nations decided to break with convention and indulge in the good, old habit of telling the truth. It was not only bitter for the Federal Government; it made Uncle Lie (my apologies, Lai) Mohammed as bitter as vinegar. Mohammed, the fast-talking Minister of Information, is a complete gentleman when he is asleep, and a man who tells the truth passionately in his dreams. But he was taken to task. He rose up to the occasion and “lai-ed” as usual.
The United Nations had posited in its 22nd Report of the Analytical Support and Sanctions Monitoring Team, pursuant to Resolution 2368 (2017) concerning the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant and associated individuals and entities, that “in Nigeria, 111 schoolgirls from the town of Dapchi were kidnapped on 18 February, 2018, and released by ISWAP on 21 March in exchange for a large ransom payment.” It was something we knew even though the Federal Government denied it. The same Federal Government who “lai-ed” to us that it would make one dollar to be at par with one naira. The same Federal Government which “Lai’s” had resembled the ancient lie that “four corners make one goal in football”.
The innocuous report was signed by the coordinator, Analytical Support and Sanctions Monitoring Team, Edmond Fitton-Brown, and Chairman, Security Council Committee, Kairat Umarov. Adams Oshiomole has not yet accused the duo that signed the report of membership of or sympathy for the Peoples Democratic Party. Perhaps because the matter has not yet been brought fully to his attention. He has been obsessed with the impeachment of Senate President, Bukola Saraki. He is the kind of man who could not handle two simple tasks like walking and thinking at the same time. So he would respond after he solves the Saraki conundrum. He does not only posture as the chairman of the APC, but also as the high priest of the clan and protector of the APC heritage.
While Adams is still wondering how to sack Saraki and stem the tide of defections, Lai has risen to the occasion. He claims that the United Nations “Lai-ed”. It is a fair deal for you to choose who you would believe whether Lai or the World body. But one wonders why Lai should seek to contradict the behemoth, which is the United Nations. Truly fools tread where angels fear to tread!
Haba Lai! Lai wants you to believe that after the girls were kidnapped, he went to their abductors, and sang them some Bob Marley reggae tunes like “One Love keep us together” and they shared coffee. They were so touched that they wept and asked the girls to go. So no money was paid at all. A very touching story which sounds truly like a “Lai.” Just the kind of story your grandma used to tell you and used to begin it with “Once upon a time…”
But trust Lai not to leave the matter hanging there. He is a fighter and skilled in rhetoric. Hear him, “It is not enough to say that Nigeria paid a ransom, little or huge. There must be conclusive evidence to support such a claim. Without that, the claim remains what it is: a mere conjecture.”
One is not sure that transactions relating to the payment of ransom neither are taxable nor are Value Added Taxes (VAT) charged on them. One has never dealt with kidnappers or abductors before and one does not want to deal with them. But so far no one has given us the impression that kidnappers and abductors issue receipts for ransom. Evans, the notorious billionaire kidnapper and our major resource on kidnapping for ransom, has not confessed to issuing anybody a receipt for all the ransom running into tens of millions that he collected. He never left any conclusive evidence.
So Uncle Lai, how would this conclusive evidence be obtained? Of course, you know the subhead under which such payment could have been made (or was made). Yet you expect the United Nations to ask Boko Haram for the proof? You could do us a favour by proving that money was not paid. Meet the Boko Haram terrorists again, and arrange for them to appear on the Nigerian Television Authority Network News and Channels and put the matter to rest by presenting their statements of account, certified by chartered accountants as “conclusive evidence.” You can persuade them to subject their accounts to auditing by the Auditor-General’s office.
If they were kind enough to release the girls without any kobo, they should be kind enough to subject themselves to a press interview to get a “Lai-ing” minister out of a bind and proof to the world that the United Nations is a pack of tale bearers. They surely should be kind enough to subject their accounts to auditing.
This is the way out, Uncle Lie (sorry, I mean Lai). This is the only foreseeable way to prove that your story was not a lie. But if this is not done, then know that when a mere conjecture sounds like the truth, looks like the truth, smells like the truth and provides answers to all outstanding questions it becomes a theory and a fact. Anyone who disagrees with it, like you do, should bear the burden of proof.
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