Let us get it right from the outset; this is not about those fake jobs advertised by genuine scammers in high places and other predators who have taken advantage of the harsh economic climate to fleece our large army of traumatised job seekers. No.
Nor is this about the multitudes many thought the Muhammadu Buhari administration was planning to put on the monthly N5,000 dole. The government has explained that the handout is for the extremely poor, among who many are ready to be counted. It is also not about the 23,000 ghost workers just yanked off the Federal payroll. Not at all.
Well, this is all about some critical vacancies suddenly thrown open in some sensitive jobs by some critical circumstances. The news broke last weekend that the sensational lifestyle of a weird Lagos church leader had collapsed at the hangman’s door. Dr Chukwuemeka Ezeugo (Rev. King – to his followers) of the Christian Praying Assembly failed to get the Supreme Court to reverse the sentence passed on him by the lower courts for killing Ann Uzoh, one of his congregants, who he doused with petrol and set on fire for alleged fornication. The bizarre life of the charlatan is the stuff of a great work of fiction – blasphemy (he called himself God), blood (he struck his followers at will) and sex (women served him food naked) – but the shame of it all is that it is real.
Who succeeds Rev. King as the leader of this strange Assembly?
Rev. King’s date with the hangman may take a while to come. The Prisons are short of hangmen. There are no fewer than 1,639 inmates awaiting execution, a report said, quoting Prisons spokesman Francis Emordi. This piece of information has sparked a lot of postulations about the mysteries and mysticism of the hangman and his morbid vocation.
Why are we short of hangmen when the tribe of devilish criminals is swelling? Are people not applying? If this sensitive job is advertised, will there be a sea of people trying to get in? In other words, can we expect a stampede as we had in the 2014 Immigration jobs fiasco in which 19 applicants died? What are the qualifications for the job? School Certificate? First Degree? In which field? What is the pay like? What kind of feeling will an appointment as a hangman evoke? Joy? Introspection? Cynicism? Power? Domination?
How does a hangman relate to his family members, associates and colleagues? Does he go to church or mosque to worship and make supplications for a fine day at work? To him, what makes a good day; the number of times the gallows crank? Does he have a sense of humour, cracking jokes and laughing heartily? Does he cry? Could he be a party freak? Is he proud of his job? Will he tell his loved ones about his job or swear to an oath of eternal secrecy? Is there a code of conduct for hangmen? What kind of heart do they have? Do they also think about death? Do they require any special training for their job? Who trains the hangman? Where does he train? Home? Abroad? Would anybody love to read the autobiography of a hangman?
Opponents of the death sentence will be happy to know that we lack enough hands for this morbid but important job in the delicate chain of justice. Besides, we are told that the list of those waiting to see the hangman is long because governors are not keen on signing death warrants, at least not as speedily as they sign Certificates of Occupancy (CofOs). Why do governors delay this task after their Lordships have made their pronouncements? Who gains from such foot dragging? How does a death row inmate feel? Whenever he eats, does he have the feeling the meal may be his last? What goes on in the mind of a death row inmate?
It is really not clear why the Prisons authorities have not hired more hangmen? Now it has taken the sentencing of a wayward preacher of a jaundiced message to force an audit of hangmen. Anybody for this job?
We need also a coach for the Super Eagles, our wavering national soccer team. Something told me that Sunday Oliseh wasn’t going to last on the job, which he took on July 15, last year. His legendary temper, the unrepentant Nigeria Football Federation (NFF), pompous players and a system that stifles creativity and rewards mediocrity, I knew, would combine to undo him.
Before him was Stephen Okechukwu Keshi, the one with the imperious nickname, “Big Boss”, who threw in the towel in South Africa after winning the Cup of Nations in 2013. He was ready to ditch the team until he got direct access to former President Goodluck Jonathan. In no time, the team’s fortune dwindled, even as his relationship with the authorities crashed. Keshi had to go, eventually.
Oliseh, youthful and boastful,vowed to revive the team. Under him, the Eagles played 13 matches, won six, drew five and lost two.
He brooded no excuses for lateness to camp and felt no qualms having a spat with his players. Goalie Vincent Enyeama got lashed for coming late to camp, his plea that he had gone to honour his late mum cut no ice with the coach who gave him the push. Then he went on a long break (he was rumoured to be ill), returned and led the Super Eagles to Rwanda for the CHAN. After claiming to have spent his money feeding the players, he gave the NFF a piece of his razor- sharp tongue. He said his critics were insane – to the shock of many decent Nigerians who follow football with a unique passion.
Unable to take it anymore, the NFF wielded the axe but before it could land it on the coach’s head, the minister stepped in, waving the olive branch. Saved by the bell, Oliseh apologised to his employers. Then the fireworks subsided. But the smart guy knew he was in injury time; bosses hardly forget even if they forgive. So, in a dramatic manner that dazed the NFF chiefs, Oliseh quit the job after collecting his outstanding N20m pay. Left in the cold, the NFF drafted in Samson Siasia to a job from which he was unceremoniously disengaged in 2012.
The NFF has launched a desperate search for a coach. Considering how many soccer giants who got it ended it all in an acrimonious manner, one is tempted to ask: Is this job jinxed?
Also vacant is the chairmanship seat of the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP), the one that used to call itself the biggest in Africa. Former Borno State Governor Ali Modu Sheriff is perching on it in acting capacity after a rancorous choice that was a little better than picking a motor park chairman – no guns, knives, cutlasses and axes; just verbal assaults and tantrums by those who claim to love the party.
Goaded on by some governors, Sheriff, like a shipwrecked sailor clinging to a spar, has been battling to retain the seat. Still unable to consolidate his position, he has sent President Muhammadu Buhari a quit notice, threatening that PDP is coming back to power. He was said to have had former President Goodluck Jonathan – he was almost distracted from the lecture circuit to join the fray- in his corner, but Jonathan’s former ministers would not let him be. Sheriff was described in many unflattering terms. Femi Fani-Kayode (I take that back; he is now Olukayode) said the former governor had bewitched the PDP and called his imposition an “abominable monstrosity”. The former minister, a garrulous fellow and master of diatribes, called Sheriff the father of Boko Haram. Now the duo are threatening to meet in court. I have booked a front row seat.
Considering the fate that befell some former chairmen of the PDP, how noble is this job that some are dying to get? Sheriff has agreed to surrender the seat in three months. Who grabs the trophy?
NATION
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