Monday, July 22, 2019
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
Praise be to Allah. Praise be to Allah, the free of all wants and needs, the worthy of all praise; the owner of the Throne, the All Glorious. I praise my Lord and thank Him. I turn to Him in repentance and ask Him for forgiveness. I bear witness that there is no god but Allah alone, who has no partners, the Doer of whatsoever He wills; and I bear witness that our Prophet and master, Muhammad, is His servant and Messenger, who was granted victory and given the greatest support. O Allah! Bestow your peace and blessings upon your servant and Messenger Muhammad and upon his family and companions, who followed the rightly guided commands.
Dear respected sisters! As a Muslim women, religious commitment is the most important thing to look for in the man you want to marry. The husband should be a Muslim who adheres to the laws and teachings of Islam in his daily life. The woman’s guardian (wali) should strive to check out this matter and not rely only on outward appearances. One of the most important things to ask about is the man’s prayer (Salah); the one who neglects the rights of Allah is more likely to neglect the rights of others. And the true believer does not cheat, deceive, oppress or mistreat his wife; if he loves her, he honours her, and if he does not love her, he does not mistreat or humiliate her. It is very rare to find this attitude among those who are not sincere Muslims. Allah the Almighty says:
“…and verily, a believing servant is better than a (free) Mushrik (idolater), even though he pleases you.” [Al-Baqarah, 2:221]
And He the Most High says:
“Verily, the most honourable of you with Allah is that (believer) who has At-Taqwa [i.e. he is one of the Muttaqun (the pious)].” [Al-Hujurat, 49:13]
And He says:
“Good statements are for good people (or good women are for good men) and good people for good statements (or good men are for good women).” [Al-Nur, 24:26]
The Prophet (Peace be upon him) said:
“If there comes to you one whose religious commitment and attitude pleases you, then marry [your female relative who is under your care] to him, for if you do not do that, there will be tribulation on earth and much corruption.” [Narrated by Al-Tirmidhi and classed as Sahih by Al-Albani in Sahih Sunan Al-Tirmidhi]
As well as being religiously committed, it is preferable that he should come from a good family and a known lineage. If two men come to propose marriage to one woman, and they are equal in terms of religious commitment, then preference should be given to the one who comes from a good family that is known for its adherence to the commands of Allah, so long as the other person is not better than him in terms of religious commitment – because the righteousness of the husband’s close relatives could be passed on to his children and his good origins and lineage may make him refrain from many foolish and cheap actions. The righteousness of the father and grandfather are beneficial to the children and grandchildren. Allah the Almighty says:
“And as for the wall, it belonged to two orphan boys in the town; and there was under it a treasure belonging to them; and their father was a righteous man, and your Lord intended that they should attain their age of full strength and take out their treasure as a mercy from your Lord.” [Al-Kahf, 18:82]
My beloved people! See how Allah protected their father’s wealth for the two boys after the father died, as an honour to him because of his righteousness and at-Taqwa (Piousness). By the same token, if the husband comes from a righteous family and his parents are good, Allah will make things easy for him and protect him as an honour to his parents.
And it is good if the husband has sufficient wealth to keep him and his family from having to ask people for anything, because the Prophet (Peace be upon him) said to Fatimah Bint Qays (may Allah be pleased with her), when she came to consult him about three men who had proposed marriage to her, he said:
“As for Mu’awiyah, he is a poor man who has no wealth…” [Narrated by Muslim]
It is not essential that he should be a businessman or rich, it is sufficient for him to have an income that will keep him and his family from having to ask people for anything. If there is a choice between a man who is religiously committed and a man who is wealthy, then the religious man should be given preference over the wealthy man.
It is preferable that he should be kind and gentle towards women, because the Prophet (Peace be upon him) said to Fatimah Bint Qays, in the Hadith quoted above:
“As for Abu Jaham, his stick never leaves his shoulder.”
Referring to the fact that he used to beat women a lot.
And it is good if he is sound of body and healthy, free of faults, sickness, etc., and not disabled or sterile.
It is preferable that he should have knowledge of the Qur’an and Sunnah; if you find someone like this it is good, otherwise you should realise that this is something rare.
It is permissible for the woman to look at the man who comes to propose marriage, and for him to look at her. This should be in the presence of her mahram, and it is not permitted to look more than is necessary, or for him to see her alone, or for her to go out with him on her own, or to meet repeatedly for no reason.
According to Islam, the woman’s wali (guardian) should check on the man who proposes marriage to the woman who is under his guardianship; he should ask those whom he trusts among those who mix with him and who know him, about his commitment to Islam and his trustworthiness. He should ask them for an honest opinion and sincere, sound advice.
Before and during all of this, you must turn towards Allah and pray to Him to make it easy for you and help you to make a good choice and to grant you wisdom. Then after all these efforts, when you have decided on a particular person, you should pray Istikharah, asking Allah for that which is good. Then after you have done your utmost, put your trust in Allah, for He is the best of helpers, may He be glorified.
Respected brothers and sisters! If you are looking for the perfect Muslim man who is the embodiment of Prophetic character and constitution in every possible way, then you will never find that person. However, there is such a thing as an ideal spouse that fits and compliments you.
Every Muslim woman who seeks marriage in Islam should be aware that you are seeking a person to not only be a husband, friend, lover, life-partner, and all those good things; but you are seeking someone to be the Imam of your home and family. Of course you want him to be a kind, generous, patient, good-natured, healthy, attractive (to you), and an Allah-fearing virtuous husband who is reasonable. Nevertheless, as a woman, you need to be clear about what you really want and seek in a marriage.
Many sisters say they want one thing but when they get it, it turns out that it’s not what they really want. Don’t say you want a strong man, and then resent his strength when he tries to lead, or his firmness in some things, or say you want a knowledgeable man, and want him to disregard his knowledge and follow your’s or someone else’s whim, and don’t say you want an Allah-fearing, pious man, and then oppose him when he wants to direct his family to piety. If a woman wants a man who has these good and godly qualities then she should seek that type of man, and not be overtaken by his looks, his swagger, his car, his walk or his talk. If a woman seeks a husband who does not have the qualities of a good man, then she will likely get a joker. The first thing to check about a potential Muslim spouse is his Salah (Prayer), and if you check his, make sure that you check yours too.
If you are a Muslim woman who does not particularly want to be married to a religious man, or a man who prays, or enjoins you to pray, pays zakah, fasts and enjoins you to fast, and observes a healthy (non-extremist) Islamic lifestyle, then that is your choice. This is not about blaming this or that person for how they want to live and what they consider important. Islam is a path, not a destination and people struggle with all aspects of their faith from time to time, that is life.
Nevertheless, lets keep it real sisters, if you are not really trying to live the Islamic lifestyle as a wife and a woman, then don’t waste the time of a brother who is looking for that type of lifestyle. You need to be clear with yourself about that, and he needs to be clear with you about that. Likewise, if you as a Muslim woman, know that you want to live a serious and sober Islamic lifestyle, and raise your children accordingly, then don’t be beguiled by a brother who is handsome, talks a good game, drives a nice car, wears designer clothes, but lacks the substance that you are seeking. A woman can help a man evolve and grow, and vice versa, but people can’t change people.
Every woman should have a general idea about how she wants to get pattern her home life, what she’s willing, or not willing to do, and how where she is in her religion, and Allah is the best judge. However, for the new and not so new Muslim woman who wishes to be married and live an Islamic lifestyle here in Nigeria to the best of their ability, it is important to seek and marry the kind of men who can and will support that type of life. With that in mind, here are some things that you should look for in a real Muslim man. These qualities will not make a perfect man, for such a thing is a fantasy. However, if a brother has these qualities, and you have problems in your marriage as many of us do, a man with the qualities mentioned below, gives you a lot to work with. Wallahul Musta’aan!
1. You have to know something about his background, his family, his upbringing, his history. Family background is important. You want to know what kind of family he came from, whether or not he was raised by both parents, came from a single parent household, or reared in a foster home. Some men come from broken families, from prison and criminal backgrounds and from the thug, gang, culture of the inner city streets. Of course that is not true for all; nevertheless, is true for many, and we are seeing the results of it in our communities. Thus, in these cases, the question is how much of the previous Jahiliyyah (Pre-Islamic) lifestyle has been discarded and replaced by Islamic thinking, Islamic habits and Islamic traits? If he is a Muslim, but still likes to run the streets, hang out on corners, go to the clubs, sling dope, smoke weed, or run game, then he hasn’t yet crossed over to an Islamic way of life. People can, and will change, and change takes time; however, these days, people are not changing. They are falling to the wayside of Islam in very high numbers.
2. Does he pray or even know how to pray? If a Muslim brother does not know how to pray, then he should be actively learning his Salah (Prayer), and have a Salah book in his pocket, or his backpack. He should be up in the Masjid, praying behind someone who knows how to pray. Salah is not an option. If he doesn’t know how to pray, and is not actively learning how to pray, then he is a joker as far as Islam is concerned; he does not take his Islam seriously, and neither should you. The hardest Prayer (Salah) upon the hypocrite is the Fajr and Isha’ prayers. The prophet (Peace be upon him) said:
“If people knew what was in the Isha’ and Fajr (prayers in congregation), they would attend them even if they had to crawl.” [Al-Bukhari]
If a brother cannot get out of bed for Fajr, or cannot put down the remote control for Isha’, then it is likely that he will not establish prayer in the home.
3. Does he know about purification? Does he know how and when to perform a ghusl of janabah, the proper manner of ablution, and the performance of Istinja’? If he does not know the above, then his whole worship apparatus is in disarray, and dysfunctional, not withstanding that he is probably in a perpetual state of impurity. The Prophet (Peace be upon him) said:
“Purification is half of faith (Iman).”
Thus if he doesn’t understand and practice purity, he is bereft of half of his Iman (Faith). On the other hand, if he is attentive with regards to purification, then he is more likely to be dutiful with respect to Salah (Prayer). It goes without saying that if he is steadfast and attentive to Salah, then he will be the same in other areas of his religion.
4. Is he employed? Does he have halal income? If he is a street hustler, most of the time, his income is from haram sources and in our experience, street hustler dudes, rarely takes care of their families. If he is employed, does he pay zakah, or take care of his children if he has any? If he is employed, does he make sacrifices for the sake of his job and career, at the expense of his religion? Does he integrate the Salah into his work schedule, does he attend Jumu’ah. If he sacrifices his religion to earn a living then it is likely that you will get a man who brings home the money, but won’t be an Imam in his home, won’t raise the children as Muslims, and will be less inclined to uphold Islamic moral values while he is at work, or at home. There is such a thing as balance; however balance in following religion and using the latitude that it affords.
5. Does he play hooky from Ramadan? If he plays hooky from Ramadan, then he is a joker. He does not take his Islam seriously. Where is this brother during the month of Ramadan? Is he around the Muslims, is he near the Masjid, is he at the iftar (breakfast), is he in the Salah line during any of the tarawih? Or is he one of those brothers who calls the Masjid three weeks into Ramadan and asks; ‘when does Ramadan start’? Where is he at Fajr time? Is he sleeping, or is he busy with Suhur and Salah. These are the things you need to look at in choosing a good Muslim man. The observance of Ramadan is one of the things that separates the men from the boys as far as religion is concerned. Pay attention to how he handles Ramadan and it will give you a glimpse into what he’s made of.
6. Does he take care of himself? Does he have his own place, have his own bills, have his own car, buy his own food, buy his own clothes, pay for his own bus pass? It’s okay if he takes care of himself but is struggling because times are hard these days, but sisters need to understand that taking care of yourself is a certain mindset that a man has, and trying to live off of mommy, baby momma, or your girlfriend is a totally different mindset; it’s the mindset of a boy, pretending to be a man.
7. Who are his friends? Are they practicing Muslims? The Prophet (Peace be upon him) said:
“A person is upon the religion of his close friend (khalil).”
If his friends are trifling, know nothing, do nothing dudes, then your guy is bound to be like them. If he is still rolling with the criminals or careless non-Muslim, or criminal politicians, then rest assured, he probably still thinks like one. If he’s rolling with the boys and not the men, then he’s probably still a boy. grown men don’t roll behind little boys.
8. Does he have an Imam, or a Sheikh from whom he takes instruction? Or is he a floater? If he has no Imam, then his Imam is probably Shaitan. If he is not linked to leadership, or scholarship, (and I’m not talking about the internet), then he is likely going around in circles as far as his religion is concerned, and he will lead you around in circles. This is not true in every case, but it’s very likely.
9. What is the relationship with his mother? If he doesn’t honour and respect his mother, then there is hardly any chance that he will honour and respect you as his wife. If he disrespects his mother, then he is already engaged in major sin from the very beginning. You should also talk to his mother. Mothers know their sons, if the mother says he is no good, then she’s probably right.
10. Does he attend Jumu’ah prayer or does he make invalid excuses? If a brother is missing Juma’ah without a valid excuse, more than three times in a row, then he already has a seal on his heart. Abu Ja’ad al-Dhamri (Allah be pleased with him) narrates that the Messenger of Allah (Peace be upon him) said:
“Whosoever misses three Jumu’ah prayers by taking the matter lightly, Allah will seal his heart.” [Abu Dawud, At-Tirmidhi, An-Nasa’i, Ibn Majah and Ad-Darami]
My people! These are just a few things that our women must consider in choosing a mate. If you are already married, then you should encourage your husband to adopt some of these traits and don’t make excuses for him or just be another mommy for him. Sisters, there is no such thing as a perfect marriage, and there are no perfect men, just like there are no perfect women. However there is such a thing as good and bad qualities in a man, as well as a woman. Try to choose someone in whom the good qualities outweigh the bad. And Allah knows best.
All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the worlds. May the peace, blessings and salutations of Allah be upon our Noble Messenger, Prophet Muhammad, and upon his family, his Companions and his true followers.
Ma’assalam,
Written by your brother, Imam Murtadha Muhammad Gusau, from Okene, Kogi State, Nigeria. The Imam can be reached via: gusaumurtada@gmail.com or +2348038289761.
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