Two weeks into the year, chances are that 13 per cent of those who made solemn resolutions of the ameliorative kind will have defaulted or given up altogether.
If you belong in this group, do not despair. Your ranks will swell and swell, and by year’s end, encompass the vast majority–90 per cent, according those who keep such records—of all those who made New Year resolutions.
And then, it will be time for another round of resolutions.
Making a vow at a stroke past midnight on December 31 gives it an extra snap. The person behind the vow is saying that he or she is set to forsake the old habits of the year that has passed irretrievably and to embrace new, better, healthier, and altogether more agreeable habits.
But you need not wait until a minute past midnight on December 31 before entering into new vows. You can make your resolution on a whim, on the spur of the moment any day of the week or month of the year, and it would not be a whit significant than a New Year resolution.
It may help, but you need not wait for one year to flow seamlessly into another before you resolve to give up smoking, a lifestyle change that is far less difficult than is generally supposed.
Ask Samuel Langhorne Clemens, known to the world as Mark Twain.
“Giving up smoking is easy,” the great writer declared. “I have done it a thousand times.” Maybe you have, too, with respect to drinking. I certainly have found losing weight and giving up procrastination exceedingly easy, because I have done both at least a thousand times.
With regard to giving up procrastination, I have been greatly assisted by the musings of the English writer Jerome K Jerome, who said he loved work so much that he always made sure he saved some for the next day. Plus, you can always bask in the conceit, as many of us in the league of procrastinators do, that some of our best work comes from having our backs to the wall.
Dasukigate has gone down as a benchmark in the annals of sleaze even before its dimensions are revealed in full. Not surprisingly, some well-connected sources tell me, it has spawned a raft of resolutions among the attentive audience, especially among members of the political and mercantile classes implicated in its breath-taking depredations.
What follows is a summary of binding resolutions passed unanimously at emergency caucuses of the attentive audiences, aforementioned. I see it as the first draft of a Manual for these times.
At one caucus, all present and voting solemnly resolved, individually and collectively, never to treat voluntarily or involuntarily with the Office of the National Security Adviser, but to report to the appropriate authorities any invitation from that Office or any of its agents to discuss any issue whatsoever, and to seek a perpetual injunction barring that Office or any of its functionaries from inviting any member of the caucus, their relation or servant for any purpose whatsoever.
At another caucus, all present and participating resolved firmly and irrevocably to run away as fast as their legs can carry them from any place, forum or institution where “obtaining” is going on or rumoured to be going on, and to proceed therefrom to report the matter to the nearest magistrate. For the avoidance of doubt, the caucus pledged to subject to the same treatment any place or forum or institution that has the potential to cater to obtainers, however slight.
At yet another caucus, it was unanimously resolved that if the usual people were to bring in a sack of money, it would be dead on arrival unless it came with forensic evidence of its source. And that is just for a start. Other questions will follow. What is it meant for? How much is in there, and in what currencies? Why was it brought there, and not sent to another forum?
The caucus will insist on detailed and precise instructions on disbursement, who gets how much, and for what purpose. If the caucus is satisfied that the money is from a legitimate source and is designed to be spent for a legitimate purpose, it will ask the courier to take the sack away and bring it back at an appointed date.
On that day, with all those named on the distribution list present, the money will be shared out. Each taker will issue a receipt. The caucus will keep the originals and send copies through the courier to the source.
Another caucus laid down strict guidelines for any public official desirous of staging a reception in honour of its members. The host will be required to swear to an affidavit stating how much will be spent on the event, and where the money is coming from, plus a detailed account of the foods to be provided and the cost per serving, the year the wines on offer were bottled, the cost of each sip, and the average number of sips per bottle.
These measures, the caucus says, are designed to pre-empt a situation in which, long after the event, the guest is informed that the four-course meal at the banquet added up to $100 per serving, and that each sip of the vintage wine was worth $100, and that the hosts expected the beneficiary and his crowd to do the needful.
Yet another caucus resolved that if any government agency wants to profit from the expertise of its members, it must furnish a letter of interest spelling out the exact nature of the expertise, what it is required for, and how it will be applied. And it will accept no payment outside the agreed terms, which will have been duly certified as reasonable by the appropriate agency.
The caucus says its members will not allow themselves to be flattered into believing that their “advice,” however recondite its basis and however efficacious, is in monetary terms worth more than the combined annual pay of 200 university professors.
Another caucus has solemnly resolved that if any of its members found some footloose money in his or her account, whether it is N400 million or even N4, the person should raise the alarm, demand to know how it landed there, when, through whom, and in respect of what transaction.
The culture of “donations” came up at a meeting of another caucus. The members resolved never to solicit or accept any donation from any ministry, department or agency for any cause whatsoever, persuaded that the fear of donations from officialdom is the beginning of political wisdom. Any donation made in a public cause despite this declaration will be publicly acknowledged and maintained in proper custody, the caucus emphasised.
It remains to conclude this interim report with related developments in the spiritual sphere. Members attending this particular caucus noted that while some among them possess the gift of prophecy and can work miracles with prayer, they will no longer demand or accept a “spiritual allowance” or prayer money for their intercession. Otherwise, they say, the whole thing will become indistinguishable from charlatanism.
That resolve is laudable indeed, considering that charlatanism sells big-time in Nigeria.
NATION
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