Recently, I was at a recording for a TV programme. The first part of the show was an interview with the anchor about my book ‘Loud Whispers’, and we also talked about current issues affecting Nigerian women. The anchor had invited two young women to join us for the second segment. It was really nice listening to the two ladies talking about their work and asking me questions. They said they were in awe of me and the show anchor and repeatedly said things like, ‘I want to be like you’, which, of course, is quite affirming but alarming too, because one wonders if they are aware of the challenges we have faced.
One of the young guests spoke about how she had been bullied in school and how that affected her self esteem growing up. Another guest spoke about how her parents did not give her enough encouragement because she was a girl. Listening to them, I was reminded of how, at a women’s meeting last year, one of the points raised by the younger participants was that we older women hardly ever talk about challenges or failure, we only want to talk about our achievements. The young lady at that meeting wanted to know more about what obstacles we had faced and lessons learnt.
I told my two young friends on the TV show that I too was bullied in school. I was one of the youngest in my class when I went to secondary school at Abeokuta Girls Grammar School. My classmates bullied me because I was one of the ‘Aje Butter’ (privileged) kids, and one tell-tale sign was the knee length white socks I wore with my uniform. The senior girls gave me grief because I write with my left hand. I was also always correcting their use of English. When they said ‘Borrow me your book’ I would say ‘Do you mean lend me your book’? That was, of course, unwise! Anyway, the bullying was relentless till I learnt how to defend myself.
Some days after the recording, I did a live Instagram broadcast on the topic ‘Women are not their own worst enemy’ a reading from Loud Whispers. One of the questions I got was ‘It is easy for someone like you who has not been battered, insulted and slandered by other women to talk about women not being their own enemies. What advice do you have for those of us who have gone through or are still going through this’? I was taken aback that someone could make the assumption that I was talking about something that did not apply to me. I then thought of the discussion at the TV recording and the flicker of surprise I saw on the faces of the young women when I said I had been bullied in school.
We look at older, accomplished people and assume they have never had to contend with bad times or difficult situations. What people see is the poise, confidence, and elegant clothes. We hardly ever talk about failures, disasters, crisis, all those times we were made to feel insecure, embarrassed or inadequate. We all have those stories to tell, but it is hard to share them with a group of strangers. We all grew up hearing our parents’ stories of their times and hardships, mostly in an effort to guilt trip us into behaving better. As parents, we have done the same thing to our children as well, to shake them out of their culture of entitlement. On the whole, we are not used to baring our souls to all and sundry, even if it is for a good reason. An older friend of mine once said, ‘As Africans we value privacy’. She is a feminist, so her position was not about maintaining a culture of silence in the face of oppression. It was about living a life learning lessons that can be shared along the way at the appropriate time, not spilling your guts out at every single opportunity.
I value my privacy a great deal, and even though I share information about myself when I write or give talks, I am still ‘old school’ at heart. For the purpose of this topic about scratching beneath the surface, I will talk about some things I would rather not remember. Apart from being bullied at school, I endured sexual harassment at the University and in the work place. The mysterious disappearance of my father fifteen years ago is still an open wound for me. I have been publicly insulted, libelled and slandered, a fallout from the murky waters of politics as well as my commitment to feminist activism. I have trusted the wrong people. I know what it feels like to win big and all the elation that comes with that, for example receiving a large grant to do important projects or winning an election. And I also know what failure is like, for example when I had to repeat my final year in University because I failed a compulsory French course. I will never forget the lump in my throat as I watched my classmates graduate. As I went through life I discovered that feeling embarrassed because I did not graduate on schedule was nothing compared to hearing news of the loss of an election court case or losing an election and seeing grown men cry and roll on the floor as if their first born had died. Some of these experiences will haunt me forever. I may not have a classic rags to riches tale to tell, but I believe I have enough. As I often say, I have laughed more times than I have cried, so the bad times don’t hurt as much after a while.
The next time you see or listen to someone who seems to have done well, don’t just think about the image of perfection being presented to you. Nothing and no one is perfect. Underneath all you see is real pain, and scars that take a lifetime to heal, and sometimes they never do
If you are a young person reading this, know that tomorrow will be better and whatever bad things you have gone through do not have to define you. Tomorrow always shows up and the sun never goes on vacation. Surround yourself with good, non – judgemental people, set your goals and mind your own business. For the older readers – the ‘Midagers’ and ‘Seenagers’, congratulations on surviving. Let us always remember all the times we failed and picked ourselves up again and again. Let us not be ashamed or afraid to talk about times when things did not go well for us. We should wear our battle scars with pride. Every mountain has a base and a summit, not everyone survives the climb but many do. Make sure you are one of them. Have a great week.
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