A man (in his forties) contacted me, sometime back. He complained about his wife (who is in her early twenties). They have a daughter between them. According to him, she seems so absent (almost to the point of restlessness) in the marriage. The business he established for her doesn’t seem to hold her attention one bit-as the shop is always locked. He also heard that she spends a lot of time with some people in the entertainment industry. So, our man resorted to ‘policing’ his wife about and wondering if CHEATING could be what’s staring him in the face.
My response…
Considering her age…such restlessness is not unusual.
Unfortunately, there is not much you can do until she ‘psychologically’ comes around.
Quit policing her about. With time, she will get to understand that there is nothing out there. It is NOT what ‘hitting her’ can achieve too.
Sit her down and talk to her. Reassure her of your love and support. Enlist the help of a marriage counsellor.
Sending her back to school will be a positive distraction for her.
Don’t always push her into a business YOU WANT for her. Find out WHAT SHE WANTS.
If she has an avenue to go out and socialise a bit (while adding value to herself)…she will always come back home…in a better frame of mind.
Her issues may have nothing to do with ‘being interested in other men’.
She is still figuring out who she is and what she wants in life. And if you stand in her way…you will be miserable. Because she is not happy and can’t make you happy.
Let this be a warning to MEN who are eager to grab them young…
A lot of young girls don’t really know the difference between emotional ADVENTURE and marital commitments.
Her settling in marriage with you doesn’t mean she is emotionally ready for that. It was an EXCITEMENT for her at a time but it’s no more that way.
That also explains the restlessness.
The best you can do for her is to support and help create A POSITIVE AVENUE for her to rediscover herself and channel her energy.
She will naturally come around and pick back the garb of a wife.
If you become selfish and saddle her with another ‘belle’…you will be compounding your marital woes!
Because the restlessness you are witnessing now may slide into depression.
Help your wife to give you the best of herself.
She is not a bad wife.
Marriage is probably a wrong choice for her at this stage and she is finding it difficult to cope.
A few positive distractions (e.g. education/skill acquisition) will help.
Listen less to side talks, please.
What your woman needs is your understanding and support.
Thankfully, she is not expending her energy-FIGHTING you constantly. The urge to make ‘wahala’ (with a hubby…whom they see as the cause of their unhappiness) is what this kind of restlessness does to most ‘young brides’.
Don’t begin to compare her to others who married at a young age and coped.
Truth is…personalities are different.
There are women who can cope in such a setting even at age 18 but to some others…it is a daunting task-even at age 28.
Always bear this in mind whenever you are tempted to compare.
Usually…restlessness in anybody is borne out of BEING IN A SETTING THAT DOES NOT FULFIL THEM.
Only your unwavering support can give you back her heart.
The ‘entertainment’ people that she hangs out with…could that be her passion?
Those could be friends that she has SOMETHING IN COMMON with…to discuss.
Approach this issue with an open mind. Not from the point of selfishness or iron fist.
Anything less…will drive her further away from you.
END
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